I'll be back

Thanks to beautiful for checking up on me ...and encouraging me to return to blogger....I had my reasons and I will explain. .watch this space next week for my post...A lot will be revealed...personal ..business...marriage..motherhood.. church/spiritual...success and it's curses..The success ladder and the people who make success happen...The tale of two world's dubai vs London rules...how marriage changes people..how sex changes people...how success changes people. ..The glass ceiling that most black people are aware of ..and some are not...

The list goes on...but this should keep your eyes glued to my blog until next week

It's your girl
Barefeet

Honesty vs love

Honesty is my problem…

And all it takes is someone who has been lied to,
that’s the only person who would appreciate this value

Some say they want honesty

But what they actually mean is,
please tell me the truth the way I want to hear it

 some say they love, yet the one they apparently love is only living in the shadow of their past relationships

Whatever she does is constantly been compared unconsciously to their past relationships

When she speaks even with the most innocent and gratifying intentions, they can only hear their ex speaking with scorn

Whenever she acts in their best interest, all they can see is how their ex did something similar, so the one they are with must be up to no good too

Most importantly whenever she is honest, all they can hear are lies.

Why? That’s all he is used to.

You can be honest all you want, but he will never appreciate that trait

To him that’s a weird trait, so he will gladly put you through pain and hurt to mould you into what he knows best.

Lies, deceit and split personalities.

So this begs the question

In the name of love, do you mould yourself into what he wants you to be, to remain in marriage

Or do you stay true to yourself and be divorced?

Too heavy a question to ask

A lot is at stake

Typically we would want to involve some supernatural happenings in such matters

But surely, we have been given the free will, to choose?

 

 

In the words of the Jesus

Father forgive him, for he knows not what he is doing

Insania

INSANIA

I want to fill your tongue stroking my nipples

Your fingers kindling my g-spot

Urging me to a higher state of ecstasy

The taste of your lips, massages my Naples.

Taking me to the peak, where my legs tremble

With each dabble of your love handle

Paddling along the stage where my lover is the host, play Wright and poet

Working in sync, and steady like each verse

Each verse filled with greed and grunts, ever so blunt that the rivers of his love will never quench

Each stroke, trace and note releases a gorging release of endorphins

Endorphins, like a pill I’m addicted and cannot be filled.

Christian me/atheist me

yes i know ...its been ages....but the main reason i havent been on here in ages is because the version of blogger on mobile doesnt let me view all your posts. it just allows me to post on my blog the end. Considering that the only time i ever have to write is on the train,..,well there goes my intentions to blog. i missed u all by the way

So back to the title....sometimes i wonder if i wasnt a christian ...what id get up to...the list of things id want to try is quite exhaustive...that some of the things id want to try i cant write on here,..just for fear that it might be seen someday and then peeps will be like....gosh she was a weirdo who was under cover as a christian...if not for christianity she would have committed such atrocities .lol...so ill name a few...and based on the responses...i might just add some more...so here goes

1 - i will give an eye for an eye....some people have done me wrong...and I've had to leave revenge to the lord, i have had to forgive even when i wanted to hurt them back ,, so they know just how it feels ...

2 - i would steal --- u know that feeling when u walk into a store and see handbags that are like £1000 and u cant afford it...well i would steal it, if i weren't a christian

3 - i would expose some secrets that u know about some people that call themselves men of God...but because im a christian u pray for grace for them...and u aren't suppose to throw the first stone....so u let the sleeping dogs lie...and let God punish them instead...as an atheist...i will ensure they get a punishments for living a lie, and being bold about it under the name of God forgives....

4- i would-a had sex with any guy i found attractive before marriage,,,as a christian i kept my virginity for my husband ,,,but sometimes u cant help but think....what does it feel like to be a prostitute....and getting shagged whenever u had the urge.,,

5- i would get drunk

6 -  id have a tatoo

7-  id play the lottery

8- id smoke weed

....

and the list carries on...into more dodgy stuff that id rather not mention...for fear of this becoming public...but hey share yours and we'd all get a clearer picture of what our world would be like without laws....lol


Its ur girl
Barefeet

The will to carry on is what I'm lacking
The assurance and promise that it won't happen again
For the fear to be taken
Away that what
I seek
The person that was my rock is now the spear that pierces my heart
The splinter taking away the glitter that I once had
I wish to love u the way I did amidst my hurt
But I fear u know that I will do just that
U know uve hurt me and are sure that I'll forgive u that's part of my hurt
U know uve hurt me but sure that my anger won't last for long
Even with my scars I carry along
Hoping that one day u will realise u hurt  me so
Be empathetic to the degree of hurt caused not less
Seek to mend With more passion than it took to hit me
Gain my trust again 
With the fear and trembling that u might loose it 
This is what I ask and I don't think u see it this way
As the hand landed on my face
My trust was thrashed
My love was thrashed
My admiration for u trashed 
And the fact that u think an apology will fix this trashes the little bit of hope that I have left 

I lay here and pray the lord to work on me cos I am empty 

Back to basics

Wow it's been more than a minute I've been on here ... Missed u guys if u haven't missed me... So much has happened and I'm glad to say mostly positive stuff ...

We got our first home
Just had a baby boy in nov
Marriage getting better ( although we just argued lol)
I finally feel like im gettin my groove together in life... I pray it stays that way
Graduated so say hello to the latest lawyer in town
There's me thinking I'd go for my grad but was short on cash so cudnt hire a gown so had to walk on stage with my usual clothes almost like the walk of Shame mixed with the walk of appreciation that u finally finished the journey... Ps graduated from London metropolitan university worst UNi ever!!

And then the walk of Shame was compounded with the fact that I got a third class degree only to open the brochure that was handed out to everyone graduating and it had all our names and the award given to u... I was like yepaa... Ud think u can hide but ur NAme is published and available for all to see!!
Moving onnnnn...

One thing on my mind tho is this consistent argument that I and the hubby keep having that never goes away... Somehow when he questions me about the finances in the house it's all gravy we check the bank statements etc... But when the roles are reversed and I question the finances on his part it always leads to an argument where he says I'm making him feel like he keeps overspending ... Just makes me think as a man he just doesn't want to be questioned ESP regarding the finances... And then he blames it on the way I phrase my sentences that's what gets him angry all the time... And I soo know Its more than that..I think
It's to do
With the fact that a man doesn't want to be accountable to a woman ESP when it comes to finances... The pride thing always gets in the way of him coming to his wife saying he needs money etc and it definitely is worse if he comes to her for money and she says there's none ... But the question is for us women we don't have a problem with asking them for money etc or giving an account of how the money was spent but when the roles are reversed its a problem ... Now I see why most couples have seperate accounts that's way the man doesn't keep watch of how much is spent on shoes and the woman does not keep watch of how much Is spent on whatever men spend money on ... Oh well I'd survive...

It's been good catching up with u my dear blogglets!!

It's ur girl barefeet merry Xmas btw!!

its a fact yet it might not be true?

This is a shout out to all those who left me a line or two to encourage me and know that im not alone in this relationship saga

So the thing is we usually end our arguments before night falls like every xtian marriage should

But this time apparently cos he noticed I was so cross he found it hard to approach me

So day 2 of the argument..after tossing and turning on the bed with him and we both desperately tryin to avoid body contact or will I call it skin contact he goes off to work no kiss nothing just a line im off to work and walks off..

And then for the first time in ages he comes home at 1710 the earliest in ages and this is me thinking maybe he came home early to settle things before the baby comes back from nursery at 6pm only for him to say going to the high street do you want anything..i shook my head ..as an answer or words were not befitting for the way I felt..

The shops where he said he was going to was 5 mins away guess what he spent 2 hours there..and im sure u know at this point I was more then fuming cos I had to stay home and take care of the baby whilst he went away God knows where..he comes back in the nick of time before I left for work..mschewww

Any ways…the plan for me was to finish work and take off somewhere to clear my head myself …considering I finish work at 1am I was planning to go somewhere and come back like 4am …but then I thot thatll not be the same as what he did cos 4am is soo not acceptable as a married woman…neither is it safe for me to be about London at that time of the night..and lastly knowing him he will be fast asleep that he wont even notice I was away till 4 which then makes it pointless. And lastly…I got in the car and realized my headlights were faulty so I definitely will be stopped by the police if found driving with faulty headlights..so once more I had to go back home on time with my tail between my legs …

Day 3…he text me saying I trust youre doin ok” this was sent whilst he was at work…I sent a reply saying absolutely…u need to understand that at this point I was running over with anger WE HAVE NEVER BEEN ANGRY WITH ONE ANOTHER IN 5 YEARS FOR THIS LONG..or maybe I should rephrase and say I have been angry with him this much but not for this long…
Day 4… he built up the courage and decided to call to find out how I was doin.. here is how the conversation ensued

Hubby; how are you doing

Barefeet; im ok

Hubby; ok was just calling to find out how youre doing

Barefeet; cool

Hubby; Ok I guess we’ll see later in the evening

Barefeet; why are u satisfied with my answer when I say im ok

Hubby; cos youre not saying anything else youre just saying ure ok

Barefeet; so since the argument on Monday..u keep acting like it never happened asking me if im ok…

Hubby; what else do you want me to do, when I speak to you youre not saying much you just say ure ok,, any ways we can talk about it later this evening

Barefeet; once more ure just rushing me off the fone..

Hubby; no im not but id rather we talk wen we see..

Barefeet; no probs

We met later in the evening and he said lets go grab somein to eat away from the house..

We ended up at nandos and he is how the one sided conversation happened

Hubby; so regarding Monday and the argument..do u want to speak first or do I speak

Barefeet; as usual if I speak u will only see it as me trying to look better than u so please u start..

Hubby; ok no prob Ill start

I don’t know what It is that always goes thru your mind and why u always think of me as someone that is desperately hiding things from you…im sorry I called your sister about the argument on Monday and ill be sure to keep future arguments within the house next time and not involve a third party …but I just feel constantly hounded by you ure constantly trying to prove ure better than me…at not lying…at being honest…ure constantly looking for things im doing wrong so u can tell me off…u just want to grind me to a halt…I thot we were going good and we had moved on from the issue of the ex girlfriend and I have begged u..saying Its not what it seems..and somehow cos I log back into facebook and didn’t mention it for 3 months u think im hiding stuff from u again…when im driving ure constantly telling me off telling me to slow down… don’t park there…u shoulda stopped for that driver..etc even when im tying the laces for my shoes u have a problem with it….even when we are praying …u will stop me again and tell me I forgot to pray about something…I don’t know y u have a constant need to say something..cant u just leave some things…so yeh please all I ask is that u take a step back regarding some things and u might just realize u urself aint perfect…because I just fear for the day when u will offend me …the way I will grind on about the issue u might think im trying to get back at u for all the things u been doing..then u might think I shouldn’t carry on being angry but these are the things youre doing…etc

And he carried on but those are the most important things…he finished and said he was done and if I wanted to talk..i was totally shocked at the flimsy things he was saying and to know that he missed the most important reason why I was angry with him was what shocked me …I was angry that he had been logging into facebook after we had an agreement and when I confronted him about it he denied that Monday was the first time he had logged in…when from his email address I noticed that he had been doin it for the last 3 months…so I was angry that he was denying and lying that he hadn’t…theres no problem with loggin onto fb by the way …bt honesty about it is what I wanted..but he thot I was angry that he told my sis…a whole week and he still didn’t get the point…

Anyways that then takes me to the main purpose of my post..

Its all ended now were lovers again..but I have to say love makes u do things u will never think u will do

Im not one who believes on spying on ur partner checking his emails fones etc…

But with love I have found myself doing just those things

Im not one that loves nagging cos I know it does not change anything if a man is goin to cheat ur nagging aint gonna stop him

Well love has turned me into a nag bag

Im not one to argue and let the day go past it usually get sorted before we go to sleep

Well for once this has happened

Im not one to stick with a guy that constantly lies to me

But love has made me stick and pray for the best

Im not one to stick around with domestic violence although it was just holding my neck and strangling me (It sound like im playing it down but I think time has healed that wound cos my initial post about it didn’t sound so hopeful it happened only once but once is good enough to make me walk(well that’s what I thot) love made me stay

I have learnt that from evidence that we find we can put together a story that seems logical but somehow it might not be a true reflection of what has happened exactly

I have learnt that by highlighting the faults everytime It does truly seem like im looking for a fault…some I have to let go off. And some I have to mention …and some I have to pray about …highlighting faults don’t fix them all the time

I have learnt that giving up on love Is definitely not the way forward…giving up on love is like saying I will carry on with life but burn all my bridges…

Love should be the only reason why u do things…even though u don’t get it back in return…I guess easier said than done..

I have learnt that many a time when we say things we say them cos we believe the recipient would understand us…but somewhere in that recipients head what they hear is different…

Ive learnt that when God warns u in advance either by dream or u listening to some pastor preach u should take heed cos the consequences of not listening boi can be heart wrenching…and above all

I have learnt that I will not give up because I know what I want and will get it if I keep at it..i will nt get it if I persistenly give up..

Its ur girl barefeet..!