Monday, 22 August 2011

its a fact yet it might not be true?

This is a shout out to all those who left me a line or two to encourage me and know that im not alone in this relationship saga

So the thing is we usually end our arguments before night falls like every xtian marriage should

But this time apparently cos he noticed I was so cross he found it hard to approach me

So day 2 of the argument..after tossing and turning on the bed with him and we both desperately tryin to avoid body contact or will I call it skin contact he goes off to work no kiss nothing just a line im off to work and walks off..

And then for the first time in ages he comes home at 1710 the earliest in ages and this is me thinking maybe he came home early to settle things before the baby comes back from nursery at 6pm only for him to say going to the high street do you want anything..i shook my head an answer or words were not befitting for the way I felt..

The shops where he said he was going to was 5 mins away guess what he spent 2 hours there..and im sure u know at this point I was more then fuming cos I had to stay home and take care of the baby whilst he went away God knows where..he comes back in the nick of time before I left for work..mschewww

Any ways…the plan for me was to finish work and take off somewhere to clear my head myself …considering I finish work at 1am I was planning to go somewhere and come back like 4am …but then I thot thatll not be the same as what he did cos 4am is soo not acceptable as a married woman…neither is it safe for me to be about London at that time of the night..and lastly knowing him he will be fast asleep that he wont even notice I was away till 4 which then makes it pointless. And lastly…I got in the car and realized my headlights were faulty so I definitely will be stopped by the police if found driving with faulty once more I had to go back home on time with my tail between my legs …

Day 3…he text me saying I trust youre doin ok” this was sent whilst he was at work…I sent a reply saying absolutely…u need to understand that at this point I was running over with anger WE HAVE NEVER BEEN ANGRY WITH ONE ANOTHER IN 5 YEARS FOR THIS LONG..or maybe I should rephrase and say I have been angry with him this much but not for this long…
Day 4… he built up the courage and decided to call to find out how I was doin.. here is how the conversation ensued

Hubby; how are you doing

Barefeet; im ok

Hubby; ok was just calling to find out how youre doing

Barefeet; cool

Hubby; Ok I guess we’ll see later in the evening

Barefeet; why are u satisfied with my answer when I say im ok

Hubby; cos youre not saying anything else youre just saying ure ok

Barefeet; so since the argument on Monday..u keep acting like it never happened asking me if im ok…

Hubby; what else do you want me to do, when I speak to you youre not saying much you just say ure ok,, any ways we can talk about it later this evening

Barefeet; once more ure just rushing me off the fone..

Hubby; no im not but id rather we talk wen we see..

Barefeet; no probs

We met later in the evening and he said lets go grab somein to eat away from the house..

We ended up at nandos and he is how the one sided conversation happened

Hubby; so regarding Monday and the u want to speak first or do I speak

Barefeet; as usual if I speak u will only see it as me trying to look better than u so please u start..

Hubby; ok no prob Ill start

I don’t know what It is that always goes thru your mind and why u always think of me as someone that is desperately hiding things from you…im sorry I called your sister about the argument on Monday and ill be sure to keep future arguments within the house next time and not involve a third party …but I just feel constantly hounded by you ure constantly trying to prove ure better than me…at not lying…at being honest…ure constantly looking for things im doing wrong so u can tell me off…u just want to grind me to a halt…I thot we were going good and we had moved on from the issue of the ex girlfriend and I have begged u..saying Its not what it seems..and somehow cos I log back into facebook and didn’t mention it for 3 months u think im hiding stuff from u again…when im driving ure constantly telling me off telling me to slow down… don’t park there…u shoulda stopped for that driver..etc even when im tying the laces for my shoes u have a problem with it….even when we are praying …u will stop me again and tell me I forgot to pray about something…I don’t know y u have a constant need to say something..cant u just leave some things…so yeh please all I ask is that u take a step back regarding some things and u might just realize u urself aint perfect…because I just fear for the day when u will offend me …the way I will grind on about the issue u might think im trying to get back at u for all the things u been doing..then u might think I shouldn’t carry on being angry but these are the things youre doing…etc

And he carried on but those are the most important things…he finished and said he was done and if I wanted to talk..i was totally shocked at the flimsy things he was saying and to know that he missed the most important reason why I was angry with him was what shocked me …I was angry that he had been logging into facebook after we had an agreement and when I confronted him about it he denied that Monday was the first time he had logged in…when from his email address I noticed that he had been doin it for the last 3 months…so I was angry that he was denying and lying that he hadn’t…theres no problem with loggin onto fb by the way …bt honesty about it is what I wanted..but he thot I was angry that he told my sis…a whole week and he still didn’t get the point…

Anyways that then takes me to the main purpose of my post..

Its all ended now were lovers again..but I have to say love makes u do things u will never think u will do

Im not one who believes on spying on ur partner checking his emails fones etc…

But with love I have found myself doing just those things

Im not one that loves nagging cos I know it does not change anything if a man is goin to cheat ur nagging aint gonna stop him

Well love has turned me into a nag bag

Im not one to argue and let the day go past it usually get sorted before we go to sleep

Well for once this has happened

Im not one to stick with a guy that constantly lies to me

But love has made me stick and pray for the best

Im not one to stick around with domestic violence although it was just holding my neck and strangling me (It sound like im playing it down but I think time has healed that wound cos my initial post about it didn’t sound so hopeful it happened only once but once is good enough to make me walk(well that’s what I thot) love made me stay

I have learnt that from evidence that we find we can put together a story that seems logical but somehow it might not be a true reflection of what has happened exactly

I have learnt that by highlighting the faults everytime It does truly seem like im looking for a fault…some I have to let go off. And some I have to mention …and some I have to pray about …highlighting faults don’t fix them all the time

I have learnt that giving up on love Is definitely not the way forward…giving up on love is like saying I will carry on with life but burn all my bridges…

Love should be the only reason why u do things…even though u don’t get it back in return…I guess easier said than done..

I have learnt that many a time when we say things we say them cos we believe the recipient would understand us…but somewhere in that recipients head what they hear is different…

Ive learnt that when God warns u in advance either by dream or u listening to some pastor preach u should take heed cos the consequences of not listening boi can be heart wrenching…and above all

I have learnt that I will not give up because I know what I want and will get it if I keep at it..i will nt get it if I persistenly give up..

Its ur girl barefeet..!

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

whats the big deal he says?

Many a times I wish I could let go
But I know the consequences of that
My silence means volumes but you are so used to having me around my silence is golden for u
Taken me for granted is the word …but to you its called trying your best

How you can apologise to someone and then say what you did is not that major considering you haven’t been caught cheating..defeats the fact that you apologized in the first place
How you can avoid telling the truth by avoiding a topic and then say u didn’t do it intentionally for 3 months beats my understanding..
How you could be caught messing with your ex by text and say it was only harmless fun..makes me a bigger fool for believing you
How you expect me to just let it go because it was just a text and I didn’t catch u sleeping with her makes me look like a bigger fool
How u could say it was harmless fun and you never planned to meet up with her for lunch…makes me hate myself for ever been faithful to you..

I hate that I cant pay u back for the hurt that you caused me
I hate that I hang around hoping for better days
I hate that u know this about me
I hate that because you know this about me…u take me for granted.
I hate that because u know ill always be around…when I say im hurting …it just another song in your don’t take it seriously
I hate that I have given my all to you,
Cos partners like you deserve people who care for them but not in totality
I hate that I cant let go..

I hate that u say youre sorry with a teaspoon yet the hurt that you have caused is an ocean full
I hate that just the other day we looked promising…
Yet the same person who sounded so promising is so scornful..
Speaking hateful words to me through the same lips that professed love for me
I hate that with those same lips you say youre sorry with folded arms and you expect things to change..
You spend 30 mins making me feel inadequate and saying scornful things…
Yet you spend ten seconds saying youre sorry
And if you don’t get an open shoulder in 30 mins u go about ur day like u never did anything hurtful..and its up to me to now make amends ..cos in your world you have said sorry and if u haven’t been caught cheating whatever you did cannot be that bad…and if u haven’t killed someone it cant be that bad..

I hate that u are so confident when you lie..
And even when caught lying u would rather stick to the lie so that u can prove a point..
You cannot stand been told u have done something wrong..
Cos whoever is pointing fingers is just trying to prove they are better than u..
How about taking a step back and realize that sometimes sorry doesn’t cut it
Sometimes depending on the amount of hurt you have caused
U might need to say sorry in a different way

And please don’t leave the onus on the other person to forgive u, but put the responsibility on yourself to ensure things get back to where they were, as we all know forgiveness is earned not requested?!!!